"What are you reading today, Rafariel?"

Normally, Rafariel wouldn't have minded showing Hanael what he was reading when asked. In fact, he was normally only too happy to show him, and sometimes they would have long discussions about the topic. Hanael was smart and obviously well-educated, and he had a lot to share on just about any topic Rafariel was interested in. But today...

"Oh...it's just...something Zafkiel loaned me..." Rafariel closed the manga, trying to hide the content, but only displayed the cover, showing the two beautiful main characters in a somewhat provocative pose. He shoved it between the cushions of the sofa.

Hanael laughed, but it wasn't an unkind laugh. Rafariel relaxed. Hanael had never been unkind to him; he didn't think Hanael was capable of being unkind to anyone.

"You know, it's okay to read things purely for entertainment." Hanael settled on the sofa next to him, stretching out his long legs and crossing them at the ankles.

"I know. But..." Rafariel pursed his lips. But I want you to think more highly of me than that, was what he wanted to say, but he never said things like that.

"Well, if you don't want to tell me, that's okay. But how do you know I don't want to read it too?" Hanael grinned at him, and Rafariel hesitated a moment, but he couldn't help but smile back.

"Maybe I'll show you later, then. When I finish it." Or when I get the nerve. Hanael was the only person he'd ever really felt he could trust. But with trust, and friendship, came a whole lot of other feelings he hadn't expected. When you were friends with someone, you started to worry a lot more about what they thought of you.

"Then I guess I'll just have to wait." Hanael shrugged.

"Okay." Rafariel twined his fingers together nervously. He wasn't good at conversation, and it made him feel jittery and off-kilter. He didn't like that. Usually, once Hanael got him talking, he could forget those feelings and just talk. But it didn't always go that way. When that happened, he sometimes wished he could just get the conversation over and done with and go back to something safer, like another book.

"So...uh...what are you doing today?" he asked haltingly.

"Actually....I got to thinking about something. About you."

"...Oh?" Rafariel liked even less when the conversation was about him.

"...so I thought I'd come and talk to you about it."

"Okay."

Hanael was silent for a long moment, and Rafariel waited, staring down at his twisting hands, feeling less and less comfortable with each passing second. Hanael sighed, and Rafariel felt his gaze on him.

"It's been awhile since we moved here, clear across the world..."

"Yes, it has." Rafariel glanced out the window. The autumn sun, still hot as summer, glared down outside, making everything so bright it was almost painful to look at. He still wasn't used to the seasons being the exact opposite of what he'd taken for granted all his life.

"And you seem to be settling in okay. You're certainly a lot more relaxed than when we were in Japan."

"I...I guess I am." Rafariel glanced up at Hanael. His expression was serious, intense, and Rafariel looked back down at his hands. He didn't think he could ever tell Hanael everything about his life before he'd tripped over Raziel, but sometimes he was worried that Hanael guessed a lot more than he let on.

"Do you think, now that you're here, so far away from it all, that you can put all that behind you and get on with your life?"

Rafariel blinked. "I..." And what was that supposed to mean? How did you put something behind you? How did you get on with your life? Sure, he'd done his best to forget the six months of his life between leaving home and meeting Raziel. And sure, his nightmares had decreased dramatically since they'd reached Sydney; he was starting to believe maybe they'd go away for good. Did that count as 'putting it all behind him'?

"I think I can. I guess so. But I'm not sure what you mean."

"Well...I've never intended to pry. And from what I can tell, you seem to be doing a pretty good job of putting the past behind you. But...what about the future? Have you thought about that?"

The future. Rafariel closed his eyes.

"I don't know what you mean."

To him, the future had never held any meaning. To his family, he had always been the unnecessary one. Only the first son really mattered, when it came to taking care of the family business. The third son? Well, he'd need a respectable career, of course: maybe taking care of the family finances would be respectable enough. Something that made him look good when other people deigned to notice he existed at all.

Rafariel sighed. He felt a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"What I mean is...what do you want to do with your life from here on?"

Rafariel's eyes popped open in surprise, and he blinked several times, staring down at his hands. Nobody had ever asked him that before. What do you want to do with your life? Nobody had cared what he wanted. Only what they wanted, and what would look best when scrutinized by other people. What he wanted...

"I..." He looked away, out the window again. The sun seemed even brighter than before. "I always wanted to do music." He winced, waiting for Hanael to laugh.

"You mean, you want to play music? Like in an orchestra?" Hanael wasn't laughing, and Rafariel turned his head slowly, meeting a sincere, curious gaze that was taking him entirely seriously.

"Yes. I...well, I like to play shakuhachi best of all, but that's not feasible, really...but I love the western flute, too, it has so many different intricacies in the finger working that make it an entirely different challenge...and the violin, too...and -" he caught his breath and stopped, realising that he was babbling.

Hanael smiled, and it was a gentle smile.

"But shouldn't I be doing...something that's more..." he hesitated, unsure.

"More productive? More respectable?" offered Hanael.

Rafariel sighed. "Yes." It was just as his father or mother would have said.

"Rafariel...did you know that there are schools devoted entirely to the study of music?"

Rafariel stared at Hanael, his eyes widening. He tried to imagine it. A school entirely filled with musicians? Where you spent all your time learning about music?

"But...how can you study just music? Is there that much to study? I mean..." Hanael laughed again, and he stopped. He felt his stupidity, his naiveté, and his lack of experience all too keenly.

"Don't worry, most people would ask the same thing," Hanael assured him, and he relaxed a bit. "But truth is, if you want to play professionally, then there's a heck of a lot you need to learn first. But if you study hard...and you have the talent...and you succeed...well, a career in music can be very, very worthwhile."

Rafariel swallowed. He'd never even dreamed that such a thing could be possible. He'd fought his little battles, and he'd had his little rebellions, but he'd bowed to his parents whims, in the end. But if someone had told him that such schools existed...well, maybe he'd have done things a little differently.

"Do you think...I'd be able to go to a school like that?"

"I don't see why not. There are lots of them that I'm sure would be happy to take you once you proved your skill...which I know you have plenty of."

Rafariel averted his eyes. He knew he had skill; he'd practiced religiously because he didn't believe in doing things half-heartedly. But Hanael had mentioned talent, too...did he have that?

Well, he wouldn't know if he didn't try.

"Are there schools like that...here? In Sydney?" That was the only other thing that could worry him. It had been hard enough to move so far, and though he'd never admit it aloud, the only reason he felt comfortable here was because he knew he could rely on Hanael - and the others - if he needed them. But if he had to go somewhere where he knew no-one...

"I rather think there might be. Why don't you borrow Zafkiel's computer for awhile and do some research?"

"Okay!" Rafariel was out of his seat and halfway across the room before he realised what he was doing, and then he stopped and turned back. "Hanael?"

"Yes?"

"....thank you." It was never easy for him to thank someone, because it was hard enough to admit that he needed help with things in the first place. But Hanael smiled at him, that gentle smile that Rafariel sometimes privately thought of as 'his' smile; the smile that Hanael only used for him.

"I'm just glad to see you happy," he said, and Rafariel blushed, and ran off to find Zafkiel before he could think too hard about what that might mean.